Friday, April 13, 2012

As much as I needed her…. HE wanted me to need HIM…

At our Beth Moore Bible Study on James Wednesday night our Pastors wife, Telesa,  said something that made me have a GOD  moment…She said something to this effect. That “ when we are already going through a storm, going through all we think we can handle and then more is piled on us that is the time to be even closer to God.. Not to step away but to step closer because that is the time Satan can get a foothold in an instant if you let him….”

Here is what God told me Wednesday night but I have to tell you a story for you to understand.

 I have really struggled with the fact that I was diagnosed with Lupus 2 months after my mom died, it was like I didn’t have time to mourn and I was struck with this disease.  It was scary and I wanted to tell my mom. But I couldn’t.  And I ask God why…Why did I sit by her bed 2 months and not know…. I knew I was hurting and I knew something was wrong in fact I had questionable blood work done right before she fell and broke her hip and shoulder and pelvis. I had put it all on hold because I couldn’t leave her.  I had rescheduled my Rheumatologist appointments 2 times and finally one day about 6 weeks into her illness  I made a decision to go ahead and go to my Rheumatologist appointment as much as I hated to leave my mom’s side but I needed something for my joint and muscle pain. Not knowing what was wrong at the time I just thought I was tired from the whole experience of her fall, surgery, Nursing Home, Hospice situation and I never left her side except to get a few hours’ sleep…..  My daughter Heather said she would sit with mom while I went to the appointment…

My appointment was 3:30 pm in Lawrenceville at Dr. Lawrence office (I will never forget this experience!). 

I arrived early hoping to get in early and get back to mom.  Their office closed at 5:00 so it couldn’t be that long right?  When I arrived I explained to the check in lady my mom was in Hospice and I really needed to be here because of pain but I was anxious to get back to her …And so began my wait, as I sat I was hearing comments about someone had been back there for 2 hours…what was taking so long, etc.. At 5:30 pm,(again the office closed at 5:00) I was taken to the back and sat in a room.... I told the nurse I needed to get back to my mom and ask how much longer it would be…She assured me it would not be long….…. At 6:30 pm I was in tears, having never met or even seen this Dr. Lawrence, sobbing and exhausted mentally… I walked up to the front desk, reminded her what I had said when I got there and ask for my co-pay check back…

I walked into the waiting room and there were still many people still waiting, complaining…… I told them “I couldn’t confide in a Dr. that didn’t respect my time any more that this and they shouldn’t either!”  

 I stumbled to the nearly empty parking lot and I drove back to the hospice in tears and yes, I got lost on the way back. (I am in tears right now just remembering the mental torment I went through)…That I took those hours away from being with my mom, for NOTHING….

But God did not want me to know I had Lupus yet…..Because my mom did not need that burden on her death bed… He knew what He was doing even though I didn’t at the time….

 As much as I needed her…. HE wanted me to need HIM… WOW…
Thank you God for showing me this through our James Study, Mercy Triumphs!

No comments:

Post a Comment